Living Only for Death
by Petra Megami Assari
Summary: Usagi has been seeing a strange boy for as long as she can remember a boy that no one else can see. Who is he... and why does Usagi feel that her own reason for living is him, Death?


Petra: I got the idea for the song first and, as I had Usagi and Duo in mind, I decided to write a fanfic starring them. I don't remember how this originally got inspspired but I kind of like it. To tell you the truth, though thesescenes are written from the manga, I really had the anime Mamoru (the bastard Mamoru pretty much) in mind. I think in the manga he is a sweet and kind man but, frankly, in the anime he's a cold-hearted ass who I would slap if given half the chance. *smiles sweetly*   
Kati: Continue on with the story please...  
Petra: Please note that, though this has two characters from two different series in it, I don't put it in crossover for a reason. Mostly because I believe that you could read this without knowing about the two universes and not be confused.  
  
DEDICATED: To everyone out there who is managing to make it by in this fucked up world.   
WARNING: This is a songfic. Also, I screwed with both dimensions and twisted things to my liking. ^_- Gotta love being a fanfiction writer! Again, if you didn't read the above author's notes, all the happenings here are based on the manga but, when I talk about Mamoru, I'm talking about the anime one because, frankly, I like the manga one.   
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this song, if you want to use it all I ask is that you tell me and give me credit. (It's not like anyone will, but I figured better safe than sorry. -_-; *sigh*) I own this story also. Gundam Wing and Sailor Moon are, sadly, not mine. If they were I wouldn't have to use the school's crappy computers to get on the internet and my laptop wouldn't be sitting on my table useless becuase it refuses to turn on... the piece of crap...  
  
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Living Only For Death  
  
"I don't need to die to reach eternity. I've found my answers, when I thought I didn't even know the question." -Rose Argent; Universe (GW)  
  
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*********  
You've always watched me from afar…   
Never daring to step too close for fear…   
But I always knew you were there.   
*********  
  
Tsukino Usagi sighed softly and leaned back on the bench, watching the appearing stars reflect in the smooth lake water. Her hair was out of its usual buns, and fell in blonde waves over the bench to pool at her feet, like a waterfall. The moonlight made the hair appear almost silver in the half-light or sometimes, when the soft wind moved the branches out of the setting sun's way, a fiery-red. Her slim, graceful fingers played with the strands, the silk slipping like water over palms and through fingers. Between her schoolwork and school itself, it had seemed lately that she hadn't been able to sit back. At age thirteen, the child becoming a woman had found her time taken up by extra-curricular activities, like tennis and ballet among the large amounts of extra homework teachers expected someone as bright as she to do.   
  
"I miss this… I miss… time… and sitting back… and I miss sunsets…" she whispered to herself, letting her head fall back and closing her sky blue eyes. There weren't enough hours in the day and, if there were more, they'd probably be filled with even more activities. A light touch startled her out of her thoughts and she looked at the young boy sitting beside her, the same age as herself.   
  
He smiled at her but didn't say anything; she'd expected that though, for He never did. His violet eyes held the same look as hers did, the look of someone who didn't know exactly where they were going in life; who saw life passing them but were powerless to stop it. She smiled at Him and snuggled against His warmth, warmth she knew couldn't possibly be real, as He wasn't. She'd always known Him, though she did not know His name, but He'd always been there… This was the first time she had touched Him, though, before He'd always just watched her, thinking that she didn't see Him. She did, though, all the time, or at least since she could remember, which was her fifth birthday.   
  
He looked up suddenly, hearing someone she couldn't see calling for Him and He turned to her, His violet eyes showing sorrow. He gave her hand a last squeeze before standing up… and promptly disappearing, the last thing she saw was His chestnut-gold braid. She hugged her arms around herself, hoping to hold His warmth to her own body for a little while longer and then stood up, looking at the last tinge of pink in the horizon. "No more… I'd rather fail at everything than have no freedom to sit and watch the flowers bloom." With determined steps, she went to start her life anew.  
  
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*******  
We never really saw each other,  
Till that fateful day…  
When I looked you in the eye,  
And realized my fate.  
*******  
  
Usagi, now a beautiful fourteen-year-old, stared at the cat on her bed incredulously. The cat was not talking to her, it was not telling her its name was Luna and that it had been looking for her. 'It's a dream… a dream…' she thought frantically, closing her eyes and trying to block out the sound of the talking (?!) cat, when one word caught her attention: present.   
  
Without a thought, she was sitting up, "Wow! I love it! It's so pretty!" Grabbing the brooch quickly and standing up, she attached it the front of school uniform, which she was still wearing. Admiring it in the mirror, she paid no attention the talking cat on her bed. As she lightly brushed her fingers over it again, it began to glow. "Luna!" she cried out, "The brooch is glowing!"   
  
The cat was peeved that Usagi hadn't been listening and the teen rolled her eyes, for, after all, Luna was a talking cat and this was a dream, so what did it matter? "'Moon?'" she asked, when the cat told her to yell out the word. Suddenly, a phrase poured from her mouth. She could not stop herself from saying them no more than humans cannot stop themselves from breathing. "Prism Power! MAKE UP!" There was a bright flash of light and then the light fell to her feet as sparks, disappearing as they touched the ground. Shock filled her as she saw herself wearing something totally different. She wasn't even sure what she was saying until she noticed that a picture of Naru being hurt flashed in front of her eyes. Naru! Her only true friend, her dearest friend… Naru! She didn't know what she screamed at the cat and she didn't remember that this was supposedly a dream, and she didn't know what the cat said, but the next thing she did know, she was standing in front of OSAP jewelry store.   
  
"Get your hands off Naru-chan now! You ugly witch!" the transformed Usagi screamed, flinging open the doors and staring with hatred at the evil demon that had its hands held around Naru's throat. When it asked her name, Usagi paused nervously, for she did not know. She didn't notice it then, and would not realize it till much later, but the moon suddenly shown so bright that, for a split second, the sky was like day, and the young woman realized whom she was. "A Champion of Justice and Defender Against Evil! Sailor Moon!"   
  
What happened next happened so fast that Sailor Moon wasn't entirely sure what really happened. One minute it was just herself, the witch, and Naru; the next, zombie-like people were coming at her with broken bottles. She jumped out of the way on instinct when a woman took a swipe at her with the jagged ends of the broken bottle. As she hit the ground she cried out in pain and in fear. Suddenly, all the hatred that she had felt when saw Naru being hurt seeped away and all that was left was a scared fourteen-year-old. Through a daze, she noticed that her knee was bleeding and she could feel the pain… it wasn't a dream… this was really happening… A fist came flying toward her and she flinched away in pain but suddenly, it became silent. She let her arms fall to her sides and stared at the fist only three inches away from her and then looked around, at Naru frozen falling to the floor. Then, she felt a presence by her side and looked up.   
  
He was there and she suddenly knew... She stared at him, her breath coming out in quick breaths, and she knew without a doubt who and what He was… "Shinigami…" [1] she breathed and He stared at her before taking a step back. She wasn't scared though… and she smiled… and time began…   
  
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*******  
I hold you close to me,   
And embrace you oh so tightly,  
Only to push you far away…  
I kiss your sweet lips,   
And tenderly caress your face…  
*******  
  
Usagi stared at Princess D running toward the balcony and, just as Luna said it, realized herself that the princess was running that way to jump off. "Princess D, watch out!" she screamed, flinging herself at D and effectively stopping the princess. With a growl and a "Let go!" the princess used Usagi's momentum to flip the blonde girl over her back and over the edge of the balcony. Usagi screamed and felt her heart skip a beat when, suddenly, a warm hand grabbed hers, Tuxedo Mask almost falling over the railing in the process.  
  
*****  
Only to tell you no.  
Not today, my dear,  
Not quite yet, I fear.  
*****  
  
After a quick talk with Mars, Usagi looked up at Tuxedo Mask, just in time to see someone bump into him, and the masked man lose his grip on the railing. As she fell through the air it happened again, she found herself staring into a heart-shaped face with wide violet eyes. His braid was trailing in the air, telling her that He was also in mid-jump. She raised her hand, taking it away from Tuxedo Mask's, and they touched, fingertip to fingertip. She stared at Him, her blue eyes wide, and then He kissed her, His lips soft and quick against hers before He pulled away and shook His head sadly. She nodded in agreement and then cupped His face in her hand, His eyes closing and face pressing into the contact… and she blinked and she was falling again…  
  
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*********  
Tell me why we fell in love,  
When it was doomed before it began?  
Like light and dark…  
*********  
  
Sailor Moon stared at her love in pain. The man she loved, as he laughed in enjoyment at the pain he was causing… the pain he was causing her. She sent a prayer to her mother and remembered her mother saying that she was the only one who could do it… but she didn't want to do it. Her heart heavy with pain, her thoughts swallowed in grief, she picked up the sword and listlessly, in a daze, she raised it and swung the blade in a wide ark, blood spilling from the wound that appeared like magic in her lover's stomach.   
  
'Mamo-chan…' she thought as she kissed her startled prince and then, with all the strength left inside her, she thrust the sword into her own gut. She smiled slightly as the light dimmed and darkness invaded her senses, yes… finally she could be with the man she loved…  
  
But it wasn't Mamoru standing in front of her, but Him, Shinigami. They were staring at each other in surprise, both watching the other and then, she knew, that while she would always be in love with Mamoru, here was who she really loved, whom she would always love…. And who she could only be with… if she died. Desperate hands clutched at faces and kisses rained over her face and she did the same. Empty arms were filled with warmth and eyes looked deep into each other.   
  
******  
We can't step outside,  
The boundaries of our duty,  
And so we must go on,  
Pretend that we are strong.  
******  
  
Sailor Moon, Usagi, opened her mouth to speak and then arched her back as pain invaded her senses. 'No…' she thought desperately, 'No! I don't want to go back!' But already the light was wiping away the features of her dark love. Desperately she kissed Him and a thousand memories flashed before her eyes, of Endymion, of the Senshi, and of Him, Thantos. [2] This time, when she opened her eyes, she saw darkness and light, the light shining from the crystal that floated gently above her and the dead body of her lover. "Endymion…?" she whispered. This was him, her soulmate, the one she was destined to be with, but not the one she wanted. She touched her lips, trying to remember His smell, the smell of gunpowder and sweat and earth, and His taste, like chocolate and metal. "Thantos… one day… I swear to you… one day… but till then we will continue to pretend…" The shadows nodded…  
  
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*******  
I hold you close to me,  
And embrace you oh so tightly,  
Only to push you far away…  
I kiss your sweet lips,  
And tenderly caress your face,  
Only to tell you no.  
Not today, my dear,  
Not quite yet, I fear…  
*******  
  
Where had Chibi-Usa gone? Sailor Moon looked around the misty landscape and could see nothing in any direction. She took a step forward and, again, she felt a stilling of the air, as if the earth itself had stopped spinning. She turned to see Tuxedo Mask in mid-step, his cape frozen in air, as was Venus's hair. Then she turned back and saw a small light in the distance, but it was violet colored… like His eyes…   
  
With a startled cry of joy she ran forward, straight into the light and, as if in an explosion, she found herself inside a small dark room with no windows and no doors. He was waiting there for her and He smiled with joy when He saw her, running up and catching her around the waist, twirling her around in the air.   
  
"Thantos…" she whispered and He stared at her in shock, hearing her voice for the first time.   
  
"Serenity…" He whispered Himself, and she felt a shiver running down her spine at the sound of His voice. "Love…"  
  
They kissed, fingers entwined, and for a moment all was right in their lives. For a long time they simply stood there and talked, talked for the first time and began to really know each other and every new thing they learned only made them love each other even more. They never shared names for that was something they would share on the day when they could finally be together. Suddenly Thantos looked up again and then closed His eyes as tightly as He could, as though hoping that the voice and its owner would disappear. He opened His eyes slowly and then nodded. With a sad smile He kissed her hand and then stood up, still holding onto her. He backed away, holding onto her hand until only their fingertips were touching and then, wincing from emotional pain, He took one more step backward and disappeared.   
  
Sailor Moon closed her eyes, storing the memory of His touch and voice deep in her mind and then stood up, her legs shaky from pain and sorrow. Every time they had to separate, she felt as if something within her die and, every time, it hurt worse than before. As she stood up she suddenly noticed that the floor was no longer made of stone but grass and, she looked around at the beautiful view and sighed… as it slowly faded it gray… So… that was His world…  
  
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*********  
You're so perfect it hurts inside…  
You never expect what I cannot give,  
You just let me live the life,  
I want to live.  
*********  
  
Neo Queen Serenity, ruler of the galaxy, stared outside the window of her palace and sighed. She was not as happy as she could be. It had been years, millennia, since she had talked to Thantos and she missed Him with all her heart. Had He died without her? She wrapped incredibly pale, thin arms around her equally thin waist and, turning around, slid to the ground with her back pressed against the wall.   
  
"Thantos..." she sighed and closed her eyes. When she opened them again she heard a gasp of surprise and whipped her head to the right… to find she was staring at a Thantos unchanged from when she had first known Him. He was staring at her in surprise and joy and she stared at Him, hardly daring to breath, and felt sorrow overtake her. He had not changed, but she had, and in sorrow she looked to the ground… only to find herself dressed in a long silver, simple gown, more simple than her regular queen-wear and, instead of long silver hair, there was golden strands falling across her back. She was fourteen again.   
  
"Thantos!" she screamed, using the ground to push herself into His arms…  
  
**********  
And I live only for death,  
And I laugh only so that I may cry,  
And I walk so that when the time comes…  
I may run into your open arms.  
**********  
  
Tears of joy quickly followed by tears of pain. Smiles of happiness soon changed to smiles of sadness… everything falling to a deeper pain. "I'm ready to die for you, Thantos..." the Neo Queen whispered and, as He began to disappear, He smiled.   
  
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*******  
And I'll hold you close to me,  
And embrace you oh so tightly,  
Only to hold you closer still…  
I'll kiss your sweet lips,  
And tenderly caress your face,  
And then whisper in your ear…  
*******  
  
Duo Maxwell, pilot 02 of Deathscythe Hell, slid down in his Gundam's seat as the fighting slowed and then ceased. With a smile he closed his eyes and leaned his head back, no one had died, and that's all he cared.   
  
Later, he followed his friends as the walked up the beautiful hillside to where three massive Gundams stood, his flanked by Sandrock and Heavyarms, just as Quatre and Trowa stood beside him. "Goodbye, old friend," Duo whispered as an explosion rocked the earth and, in a brilliant flash of light and smoke, all that was left of the mighty Gundams, was a pile of smoking and sparking rubble.   
  
Quatre turned to him with a teary smile and asked, "So, Duo-kun, what are you going to do now?"   
  
Duo smiled a mysterious smile suddenly and said, "I have someone that I promised to meet a long time ago and its high time I kept that promise…"   
  
He turned to go but was stopped by Quatre puzzled question, "Promised a long time ago? As in when you were a Gundam Pilot?" Duo nodded. "But how did you know you would make it through?"   
  
Duo smiled suddenly, the smile of someone who understands something so completely that he cannot truly explain it. "Because, She's my life, and She wouldn't be here it if weren't for that. Now, Shinigami promised Her that he would pay Her a visit on this day and I never lie." With a quick wave he was gone.   
  
For life needs death and death needs life; it is the balance in life, even for those considered immortal. For the first time, Duo began to live, and it started with a pair of sky blue eyes and warm arms…  
  
*******  
Today is the day, my dear…  
I'll always be here…  
*******  
  
[1] - For those of you who don't know, Shinigami is Japanese for the god of death.  
  
[2] Thantos - In Greek Mythology he was the god of the death, also the brother of Morpheus, better known as the god of dreams.  
  
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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.   
  
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Petra: Well... this is what you get when weird ideas pop in my head. Hope you at least semi-liked it. It really is rather different.   
Kati: Ah, well, whatcha goin' to do?  
Petra: *thinking* I think I actually wrote the song first but then when I read it I got the story idea and it wouldn't let go... -_-; Yeah... yeah... I know I said I was working on my original stories but Kati *glares* decided to hit me with all different ideas, mostly Gundam Wing ones... so... *shrugs*  
  
"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."   
-Rose Marie Ledam  
  
~Petra Megami Assari~  
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess* 


End file.
